


Home Is Where You Are

by creepytrashcan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Homophobia, I'm Sorry, Insecurity, M/M, Shitty Summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-01-16 16:28:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18525286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creepytrashcan/pseuds/creepytrashcan
Summary: It isn’t like Bertolt doesn’t trust Reiner. But how is he supposed to give someone else love if he can’t even love himself?





	Home Is Where You Are

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! :D  
> I hope you’ll enjoy reading the trash I write. ^^;  
> I apologize for any grammar as well as spelling mistakes (and of course, for my bad writing...)!

_❝You’re a goddamn disgrace to our family! Can’t you see that you aren’t worth anything, you stupid faggot?! Get out of my fucking sight!❞_

Head hung low, Bertolt let out a heavy sigh as he recalled his father’s last words during his visit back home.

Despite knowing that his parents were quite conservative and always afraid of what others might think of them, Bertolt decided to come out as gay three years ago.

For Bertolt himself, it had always been clear that he was different from all the “normal” boys his age. Unlike his classmates, he was never interested in boobs or dating pretty girls. Nevertheless, he found himself being more and more attracted to the same gender. When Bertolt was 17 (he was listening to Troye Sivan’s “Heaven” on the radio by that time), it hit him: He was homosexual.

Because he didn’t want to keep pretending to be someone he wasn’t, Bertolt came clean with his parents. They were, to say the least, not very happy about their son liking boys. However, both his mother and father somewhat accepted the fact that he was gay. But even if they never directly told him, deep down Bertolt knew exactly how disgusted his parents must have been.

They started to treat like a stranger, looking at him with that icy stare as if he wasn’t their child anymore.

So when Bertolt graduated from high school, he moved out of his parental house the same day he got his diploma. In retrospect, that moment felt like pure freedom; as though he was a bird that was kept imprisoned in a cage and finally got released.

Therefore, Bertolt wasn’t really sure why he decided to pay his parents a visit in the first place since he would argue with them every single time he came home. 

But today was different. For the first time ever his father laid it on the line amid one of their heated fights, telling him how much of a useless burden he was and that disowning this joke of a son had been a long-desired wish of his.

Never in his life has Bertolt felt so unwelcome and uncomfortable in the house he grew up. His father’s hateful words directed at him entered his ears like daggers, while his mother kept submissively agreeing to whatever the old man said. 

His family used to be his haven. But what was once a safe place had now become broken. His family was no longer his family—Bertolt had none.

Due to the unforeseen events, he made up his mind to leave three days earlier than he actually intended to (Bertolt even felt a bit sorry for his mother who looked quite shocked when he said he wanted to go back to Stohess).

On the way home, the brunet suddenly felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. As he pulled it out, he could read the name “Annie”, an old friend from home, on its screen.

 **Annie** : Hey, I could hear you and your dad arguing next door. He's talking nonsense again, isn’t he...  
**Annie** : I’ll call you later, okay?

Lettingout another heavy sigh, Bertolt replied with a simple “Alright” and put his phone back in his pocket. 

Annie generally wasn’t the type to show any emotions as she was a firm believer in feelings making people look weak, but she always cared about Bertolt whenever he was upset.

Though Bertolt was really grateful for her making an effort to be concerned about him, he didn’t want Annie to unnecessarily worry about him or even feel responsible for a 20-year old, grown-ass man.

As soon as Bertolt got off the tram, he made his way to his apartment in the centre of Stohess which was only a 5-minute walk away from the station.

Walking up the stairs, he fetched his keys before opening the door.

“Bertl?”

When Bertolt heard his boyfriend’s deep voice echoing in their small apartment as he stepped inside, the corner of his mouth quirked up slightly.

He was home.

“You’re back already!” Reiner rejoiced as he saw Bertolt standing in the hallway. He ran up to him, engulfing his boyfriend in a hug as if he never wanted to let go of him again. “I missed you so much!”

Resting his head on Reiner’s shoulder, Bertolt wrapped his arms tightly around the other boy’s body and just enjoyed the warmth he longed for during the time they had been apart. “I missed you, too...”

“I thought you planned on coming back on Tuesday?”

“Yeah, I... I changed my mind,” Bertolt muttered quietly, looking away in shame.

Surprised and confused, Reiner nodded silently and asked, “And why’s that?”

“Uhm, y-you know...” he stuttered, trying to swallow the lump in his throat as his forehead broke out in a sweat. Fidgeting nervously, Bertolt bit his lower lip and internally screamed at his brain to come up with an excuse faster. “I-I just wanted to see you again, and Trost was boring anyway.”

He hated lying to Reiner—his boyfriend and the person he loved the most.

Well... Technically, he wasn’t _lying_. Bertolt did want to see Reiner again and Trost was indeed boring. But he wasn’t saying the truth either.

Bertolt didn’t want to a “useless burden” to anyone, he just _couldn’t_. It was bad enough that Annie was already worried sick, he couldn’t have Reiner worry about him as well. He would manage it on his own... somehow.

“Really... Is that all?” Reiner assured himself, narrowing his amber eyes as he stared at the younger. He had been together with Bertolt long enough to sense when something was off.

Feeling horribly small under his gaze, Bertolt quickly nodded. 

“Okay...”

Bertolt could tell Reiner didn’t believe him, judging by the way his eyes never left his green ones in hopes that the other would spit it out in the end.

“I’ll have a lie-down. I’m tired,” Bertolt excused himself and swiftly went into their bedroom.

As he reached it, Bertolt carelessly dropped his bag on the floor before he fell on the bed. Hugging his favourite pillow Reiner gifted him last Christmas, Bertolt reviewed yesterday’s happenings.

He wasn’t really sad about what his father had said. Of course, his choice of words wasn’t the nicest but Bertolt had always known how much of a douchebag his father could be. Yet, his begetter said so many things which were simply untrue. 

Just because Bertolt was gay, it didn’t mean he was a different person. He was still the same tall, awkward Bertolt he had always been. His sexuality did not change anything.

Anyway, it wasn’t like he chose to be gay or was only attracted to boys because he delighted in provoking his father. Bertolt knew his parents wanted nothing but the best for him, but he felt like he lost the right to be loved the second he came out.

His family broke down when they seemingly lost their only son but why did his parents have to fucking  _hate_ him?

A single tear ran down his cheek. Although Bertolt tried his best not to cry, he couldn’t do anything about it as his eyes didn’t stop watering. 

However, he didn’t cry because he was angry or even sad—He cried out of despair; because his parents couldn’t see that they were completely wrong.

“Bertl...”

Bertolt winced upon the sound of Reiner’s voice. He didn’t even realized that the blond had entered the room.

Reiner sat down on the bed with an anxious look on his face and pleaded, “Please, tell me what’s wrong. I can’t stand seeing you cry like this.”

“It’s nothing,” Bertolt hastily replied, wiping his eyes as he sat up. “Everything’s fine, I don’t want to bother you.”

“Bertolt,” he said in a now much more serious tone. In the corner of his eye, Bertolt could see Reiner clenching his fist, trembling uncontrollably.

“I am okay,” Bertolt insisted. “Really.”

All of a sudden, Reiner banged his fist on the nightstand right next to their bed. “Are you fucking serious?! You know that we’ve gone through this numerous times! You always keep everything to yourself, bottling up your problems and leave me out! I share everything with you but you can’t even tell me how you really are.... I love you more than anyone else so why can’t you trust me? We’ve come so far and now you’re hiding from _again_! Do you even know how much it hurts me?”

“I-I...” _I don’t_. 

Eyes wide, Bertolt was at a loss for words. Never had Reiner shouted at him before, and now he made him feel so annoyed... 

“Whatever, I need some time to myself,” the older mumbled and stormed out of the room.

The next thing Bertolt heard was the apartment door being slammed shut. His body was frozen and he felt terribly empty; as if someone took away all his happiness. 

Not only was his relationship with his parents fucked but also his relationship with his boyfriend.

_What have I done...?_

Bertolt’s thoughts were abruptly interrupted when suddenly, his phone began to ring. 

 **Incoming video call from: _Annie_**  

Letting out a sigh for what felt like the hundredth time on that day, Bertolt ignored his sorrows and eventually answered the phone despite not being the mood to talk to anyone. 

“Hey,” Annie greeted him with a faint smile.

Instantly regretting picking up (the pitiful look on her face was really hateful to him), Bertolt forced a smile, which ended up looking rather like a weird grimace, and waved as he was too afraid that his voice might’ve cracked if he had said anything. 

“How are you?”

Surely, Annie did see how gloomy her friend looked but she’d never been good at choosing the right words so she merely asked the first question that occurred to her.

Bertolt, on the other hand, hated that question. Hell, he _despised_ it. He didn't even know whether he should burst into tears or snort because it was so awfully obvious that he was miserable. 

But rather than replying “I’m fine” like he always did, Bertolt shrugged. 

At that, Annie furrowed her eyebrow. She expected him to either lie or tell her the truth, but she certainly didn’t expect Bertolt to bloody _shrug_. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked in a slightly suspicious manner. Her ice blue eyes were staring directly into the camera and pierced him. 

Bertolt only shrugged.

“Where’s Reiner?”

He shrugged one more time.

Realising that Bertolt wouldn’t give her a proper answer, Annie gave up and kept quiet. But whilst talking a closer look on him, she noticed how his usually so sparkling green eyes had now become lifeless.

Worries and fear slowly began to creep into her heart, trying to eat her up. Annie was painfully aware that Bertolt wasn’t very mentally strong—Not after all he had to go through. Never in her entire life had she felt so helpless as she did at that moment. But what was she supposed to do? 

“I screwed up real bad...”

Surprised to hear her friend speaking up first, Annie raised her eyebrows, blinking a few times before she riveted on what he was saying.

“Reiner is mad at me because I’m such a fool, and—” Bertolt stopped in mid-sentence, his voice strained as his eyes glistened, “I can’t do anything about it!”

A salty tear slipped down his face.

“Hey, Bertolt, don’t cry!” Annie said shocked, a hint of anger in her voice. “What did Reiner do? Did he treat you badly? I swear to god, I will slit his fucking throat!”

Bertolt furiously shook his head, now being full on sobbing. “N-No... Please, don’t say that. It isn’t his fault that I’m unreliable.”

“That isn’t true. You _are_ reliable. Reiner is completely—”

“Don’t sugarcoat it, Annie,” he cut her off and sniffed. “I am not, and you do know that Reiner is right.”

Annie opened her mouth to object, to make Bertolt realise how much of a kind person he was, and to tell him that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself; but instead she closed it again and simply nodded.

Even if it sounded harsh, Reiner was indeed right: Bertolt would always isolate himself whenever he hurt, making it nearly impossible for anyone to get to him. Annie wasn’t able to help him like this, and her words weren’t going to change anything. The only who could save him was Bertolt himself.

Uncomfortable silence hung over them.

“It’s getting late,” Bertolt piped up, tiredly rubbing his tear-stained face. “I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight.”

“Sweet dreams,” Annie said. “And another thing, you can call me if anything happens. You know that.”

“I know that,” he replied, biting back the urge to groan before he said goodbye and hung up. Both of them knew that Bertolt wasn’t going to do that.

Turning off his phone, the brunet closed his eyes and tried his very best to sleep but his thoughts kept him awake. No matter how often Bertolt changed his sleeping position, he just couldn’t fall asleep as he was unable to clear his head.

About an hour later when Bertolt’s eyelids were getting heavier and heavier, he heard the door room being opened.

The space on the mattress was pressed down under the other person’s weight as they laid down next to him but Bertolt didn’t turn around.

Without saying a word, Reiner hugged Bertolt from behind, stilly holding the latter in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” Bertolt murmured after a few minutes of silence.

“Shh, don’t apologise. I don’t want to hear it,” Reiner said in a soothing voice, hugging him tighter. “I shouldn't have snapped at you. I’m sorry.”

“No, you were right. I—”

“No, I wasn’t,” he interrupted Bertolt. “There’s no excuse for my impulsive and selfish behaviour. I shouldn’t have pressured you to tell me something you obviously don’t want to talk about. I’m really sorry for not respecting your feelings. But I want you to know that you can trust me. You can be yourself when you’re with me. You don’t have to change because I love you the way you are with all your so-called flaws.”

Tears stung in Bertolt’s eyes. What on earth did he do to get such a loving boyfriend?

Turning around, Bertolt wrapped his long arms around Reiner and buried his face in his nape. 

“I love you, Reiner.”

“I love you, too, Bertl.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story! :) I think I like this ship a little too much, haha...
> 
> Honestly, writing this story meant a lot to me. Not only because parents should always give their children the love they deserve, but also because I appreciate everyone out there who is patient with their insecure partner. :) I know it’s tiring sometimes but those people can break really easily. So watch out! Haha. :))


End file.
